MELON/PINGU/ISRAEL'S BEANS/FEATHERS/

TWISTED MELON

Inexplicable pop dancer Bez was yesterday arrested boarding a plane in Honalulu with 7 kilos of crack cocaine hidden inside his "famous" maracas.

The punishment for possession of crack in Honalulu is cliff tossing.
Looks like he wont "Step On" that plane!

PINGU ELECTED CULTURAL AFFAIRS MINISTER BY U.N.

Pingu in his home constituancy.
Photo - Taylor Maxwell

Following a landslide victory over Armitage Shanks for the position of Government Cherry Picker, Pingu, the loveable animated penguin of Pingu fame, continued to climb the ladder of success, liberating the information that he had become the UN's Cultural Affairs Minister, almost over night, on Jonathan Ross's show, but four days ago.

Senór Shanks is said to be "well fucking gutted" after his defeat.
He highlited this on a interview with Dermot O'Leary on 'Big Brothers Little Sisters 2nd Cousin Removed Thrice', due to be aired at high noon tomorrow, in which he said "'Fuck off! This is my culture.'"
Pingu has responded calmly, and in an interview with Graham Norton, was told, "Gay men are going to love you as you are pro-gay."

Gordon Brown, a close friend of Pingu, has been reported to be "in preparation" for the "biggest fucking head-mash ever", as a welcome party for the new Cultural Affairs Minister For The UN. He has apparantly been spotted buying sixteen foot Palm trees, luxury Belgian chocolate and seven hundred packets of Dairylea.

The guestlist for the festivities is said to include such luminous talents as Paul Daniels, Jamie Oliver, Rolf Harris, 20 trained pandas and their keepers, Denise Van Outen, rock band Jamiroquai and their road crew, and 49 DJs. The event itself is rumoured to last for ''9 days or so, mate, yeah".

Words - Arson Fletcher

ISRAEL NEEDS TO 'CHILL IT'S BEANS' SAY OFFICIALS

Many members of the EU spoke out today on the conflict in Israel stating that the war-torn country needs to ''calm down'' and ''have a joint''.
The main instigator in this radical suggestion was Kofi Annan, who gave a candid and revealing interview with Michael 'Parky' Parkinson last night, during the course of which he claimed, ''I bought a nine bar thursday week, I've got assloads, come on round, get your smoke on, Israel.''

At the time of print, Israel was unable to comment.

Kofi Annan, when questioned on allegations of possession of some form of ''Gange Missile''.
Photo - ITV Archive.
Words - Bud Green

WAVE OF FEATHERS ANNOYS THOUSANDS

Vast swathes of feathers, possibly blown is from space, have made their way to the UK.
So far, scientists have failed in explaining the causes of the wave, or any solution to it's ongoing problems. Of the scientists Fexxx did mangage to corner, many were too busy grafting shins onto geese.
When we finally pinned down Dr Cassenka Delldo, of the University of Kent, he told us he was ''fucked'' if he knew what do do about the situation.
The wave is said to be spreading at a rate of 5 miles per hour, and is currently ''tickling'' the borders of Argentina.

Caught by surprise during a street party, this victim is now covered in feathers until next Wednesday.
Photography - June Skiddlebibble.
Words - Axle Figaro.

Idea / Painting / Mouth / Apocalypse / Mishap

GOVERNMENT COMES UP WITH ANOTHER SILLY IDEA



At some conference or other, probably last week at some point no doubt, The Government revealed details of their much vaunted race-hate screening procedures, due to be enforced in the workplace, as well as by pub landlords and bus drivers if they so choose.

The scheme, entitled 'RU Racist?' will be divided into 3 tiers.
The first will be a 15 page questionnaire, featuring such inquiries as ''When waiting at road crossings, do you often find yourself confused, due to perceiving both the red, and green men as being white?'' and so forth.
The second tier will comprise a series of quick-fire questions read at such pace as to be practically indecipherable to racists.
The third and final tier will be a ''nifty'' swipe-card, which stores all of the holder's political beliefs on microchip, and is even capable of sensing when someone changes their mind about an issue, via sensors tested by experts in laboratories on fish.

Words - Summer Fruits.

MAN SMOKES PAINTING


Some extreme smoking happening. Photography by Tieman Focus.

As the craze of so-called ''extreme smoking'' rolls through the country, news filters in of a man whose lungs have consumed, albeit in smoke form, a Van Gogh original.
The painting, previously located in Zanzibar's national marshmallow factory, is believed to have been fiendishly devoured by Dr. Joseph Gaonzaxleshyonanon, a tuna farmer by trade, at around 4pm this morning.
Some officials say this incident could be a thorn in the side of the war against extreme smoking.

Words: Uncle Ben

IDIOT MAN SWALLOWS OWN MOUTH


It probably looked like this.

Vague amusement swept seductively across the globe in the wee hours, when facts were rapidly absorbed into our brains about a Mr Trevor Wzcertdasvycz, who has curiously managed to consume his own gob.
It is said that this sad, sorry state of affairs is a direct result of inner turmoil, sprouting, like a flower from a turd, from his harsh upbringing at the hands of the French.
Mr Wzcertdasvycz was unable to speak at time of press.

Words - Raj Higsn

MPS TOO BUSY HUMMING PINK PANTHER THEME TO NOTICE APOCALYPSE



Photography: Des Lennis.
Quite a blunder today as several MP's found not only their careers, but also their souls coming before harsh judgement at the hands of God.
Thankfully for all of us, the apocalypse is said to have been postponed until ''after the Olympics, at least".

Words: Lee Danger

BLAIR KNOCKS LIVING CUNT OUT OF QUEEN


Artist's Reconstruction by Banksy

It has come to light that disgraced former war criminal Tony Blair has decapitated the Queen during, "a joke gone too far", a Home Office spokesperson has said.
The head has now been fully reattached without incident.

BNP MAN MISPLACES HOMOSEXUALITY DOCUMENT

NICK GRIFFIN FINDS GAY CARD IN "THE SUN"

Sentences and grammar, punctuation also, by Hugh Jarse.

Amidst this growing state of terror and chaos in the UK, some sunshine has been found in the Yorkshire village of Grimsby. Elation was felt throughout the White Supremacist community, as Nick Griffin stumbled upon his long lost Gay Card whilst reading about the recent disappearance of Ivor Manzoor, the creator of the Hovercraft. Fellow monolithic buddies have been aiding in the search for the past 16 months, after it was misplaced at the latest Andrew Lloyd Webber musical masterpiece, "Prancing Around Like A Fairy In A Blouse". Particularly avid searchers were known to mount cheetahs in a wide reaching quest for the card. One notably imprudent voyager tore apart one of his companions with a "Triple-Barrelled Cannon", in the mistaken belief that he had swallowed it. All this tomfoolery has been brought to a flaming climax as Griffin declared today that "Some supporters will fuck up, and their card will get thrown out. We have cameras everywhere."



As events unfolded...



Nick's a happy boy!

Photography by Zarehbini-Essahani Y

Búze Epidemic Sweeps Nation

19 YEAR OLD MAN REQUIRES 19 STICHES AFTER RUN IN WITH STAPLER WHILST HIGH ON BÚZE

Report by Luther Clingfilm

SLOSH

Keith Potatobox, 19 of Stone Chair, was taken into hospital for nineteen stiches after drinking the new slosh of choice of disgraceful stars like Amy "crackbin" Winehouse and Peter "who took all the smack?" Doherty.
It emerged that Potatobox had found himself propositioning a stray cat with a staple gun, under the influence of Búze.
Onlookers were literally disgusted when Potatobox glugged his merry way through 4 litres of grush.

DOLE

Tempers ran high in Parliament around the issue with MP Martyn Spinach, Minister for Felony Shoes, speaking out, claiming "This man is a fence. He bogs oranges, he knocked out an apple, he drives the porcelain bus, he's a prawnhead, a suckhand tit, arse grapes, an ancient chinese curse, and he eats Conneticut riverpork. He's like a cow with a musket. It's offensive."
He went furiously on - "What are we to do with these shed-hugging sobriety dodgers, casually wandering betwixt A&E on saturday night and the dole queue on monday morn, high on taxpayer's joy and a concotion of narcotics? Send them to Spain, where they tolerate such silliness?"

GROG

"It's loads of alchohol in a bottle" is the slogan of the offending drink. In the company's defence, Lance Búttwipe, CEO of Búze Inc. spake, "Búze has simply opened the door for grog artists to keep the ball rolling. Of course, we encourage caution regarding stationary whilst utilising our merchandise"
MP Peter Wreckless was quoted yesterday, speaking outside Mecca, "If scrounging, pathetic monsters like Potatobox can trundle through our gold-paved streets, chugging on vast tankards of ruin, without necessary measures being taken to avoid this guff."
Potatobox was said to feel "Pretty s--t, but far better than a comedown" when leaving hospital this morning.

COMMENT - BY RICHARD BOMBOSITY

FUCK YOU, CHARLEY
Take a lick of any street in the UK and you will almost definately taste the severity of our nation's drink problem. With the government too full of glue to take firm measures and supermarkets churning out monkey swill for as little as 4p a can, the stage was set for a new low to arrive 'pon our shelves.
Búze is a potent blend of fruit juices, industrial strength ethanol, and MSG, weighing in at 9% vol, or a toxicity equal to that of eating one's own faeces for a month. It is a neon red in hue, and retails in 4, 6 and 9 litre bottles, surely only another slimy thumbs up to our binge-friendly underclass.
The actions of Búze on the body are difficult to calculate, but when we gave a sample of the fluid to our resident FuckExplosion scientists, they became intoxicated in a matter of seconds. What is known is that many of those who have imbibed of the sinful bev report a sense of confusion with their surroundings, leading to acts of vaguery and use of illegal sentences.
How long are we going to allow our Britain overrun with vomit and stumbling wasters like this Potatobox, endangering our cats and expending our valuable monosodiumglutamate stockpiles?
Bring back the guillotine.

Today's Top Stories - For Fact's Sake

OINGO BOINGO FOR DROOL

Celebrity grape stomper Alicia Drool was clamped by Belgian detectives this week, when she was found crouched behind a magnolia curtain clutching a "honking brown foxy grandpa" in Bruge, according to reports.
Popular muffin-puncher Drool (pictured) has appeared in such grubbery as Oupa Juice, The Sniffles, and the infamous travesty that was Kick a Brown Dog.
She stated today via her personal "gangster bitch" Dan Tucker that "I feel that this is simply an attempt to throw ass on my projects, and I plan to take it on the ooze. It's definitively a fuck-a-rama."
These latest dubs dont bode well for Drool, however, who has been previously busted for buffing dogs in Italy. That sentence was dissmissed on the grounds that "...it's a term of endearment."

Drool in happier times -




Photography by Ford Mondeo
Words - Lenny Lovepearls


EDISON BITTEN BY SANDWICH

Some Hip-Hop, captured yesterday, Hackney, East London.
Photography by Patrick Stewart

In shocking revelatory stylee, it emerged of late that the widely-regarded-as-true claim that Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb is fallacy and farce.
The originator is now clear to be Lord Sandwich; previously best known for his pioneering work with the notorious bread-based snack, new notebook evidence suggests he was also the prime engineer of -

• Hip Hop,
• 7/10ths of oxygen,
• disabled parking spaces,
• the word 'elementary',
• Led Zeppelin,
• banana skins,
• and treacle.

Fexxx however, think that these "findings" are bullshit. To vaguely align ourselves with this view we have given a special guest slot to Edison's last remaining relative, entitled Chesney Edison Shines A Light, in which he will indeed be figuratively shining a light on the state of the nation from a metaphorical cherry-picker of smug self-satisfaction.

Words - Hooker Dotterel


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Album Reviews

(For your eyes, not your earholes.)


Fall Out Boy - "Horse Doughnut, Come It Strong Blouzalinda!"
Intense Self Loathing Records.

This unexpected release from the depths of America's beer parties may seem like an off-putting bagel in a bread-bin of shame, but in fact sees the Milwaukee (or whatever) cotton-tops usher in an unnervingly expensive experimental phase.
Produced variously by Brian Eno, Brian Jones, Brian Blessed, Brian Molko, Bryan Adams, Ryan Adams, and Brian Wilson, FOB have channeled the raw brig of early Free Jazz, the eelerspree of Ambient Gabba, and grappled furiously with the vast writhing serpent of the thumb piano, to create a complete lion of sound.
Most extensively so on album opener I Went To Muskra To (Buy A Double Decker) which sees the group seeming up with soft-rock legends Double Clutcher to produce a tune that manages to completely avoid any pleasant or harmonic sounds whatsoever, and features mostly the sound of 71,000 balalaikas being played by their fans via web-cast, accompanied by an ear-drum destroying glitch-core beat and a frequency designed to cause your stereo to destroy the CD, as it's playing.
The rest of the album can be found on the accompanying DVD, and what an album it is. The effervescent sounds on Cop Killer Linguist Graveyard show former dildo Pete Wentz to be as adept at the oboe as Hendrix. Also, Guy-Who-Sounds-Like The-Maroon-5-Guy takes center stage with an epic yet cruel rendition of Maccaroni, Lusty Lawrence. Dots Chew Water! on the accordion, while literally honking up lines like "You once were a lime, but now you quilt my salty bananas."
All of which is blasted over abstract footage filmed by the band of dying geese, police squadrons, mule shit, coal smugglers and post offices.
As the album winds down with Smoker's Lung Out Of The Blue Mug, I am left feeling strangely elated, yet somewhat skeggy. Buy it, then throw it away after about 4 or 5 months.

3/5
Skeetr Newcock
skeetr.newcock@fexxx.com


''What A Crock Of Shit - A Tribute To The Kaiser Chiefs''
Rough Trade.

Leeds natives Kaiser Chiefs have been annoying the public with a special brand of jizz-pop designed to be shouted by pissed-up scaffolders down the pub after they've had 'a few'. What a crock of shit, you might think. That's what Rough Trade Records thought, when they decided to commission this tribute compilation diskette.Kicking off proceedings is The Kaisertines ramshackle minor-chord romp through Everyday I Smack Up Less and Less. After some uninteresting filler that sounds like Joy Division, we hit upon the gem that is The Kaiser Gs' Yo My God. Like a BNP member, this song waits till the police have gone, and leaps from your speakers and wrestles you to the ground, beating you relentlessly solely for your beliefs. Ace.The real cream of the cream is the heart-string tuggery of the Kaiser Chef's rendition of I Predict An Omelette. Don't judge a book by it's oven, this shit will have you weeping into your cyanide. All in all, a load of shit. Wicked.
5/5
Jimmy Alcoholic
jimmyalcoholic@fexxx.com

Upcoming Releases -
50 Cent - Get Pissed Or Cry Trying.
U2 - More Epic Than Seeing The Grand Canyon On Pills.
Editors - Gloom Trolley.
Big Trevvy M - Prince Trevvy Gets Hevvy.
Aass Of Bass - Shit Yourself (The Brown Sound Mixes)

What Is Fexxx?

"We hate those shit bastards." - The Times Editor, overheard in a public house, probably talking about Fexxx.

Yo! Here at Fexxx, we understand that da yoof need to know what's going on just as much as anyone, if not more. That's why we put together this here YouthBlast to fill your hormonal minds with a pure hit from the fact bong. We are sure that our blend of Topshop-friendly aesthetics and useless media buzzwords will make you, the reader, more intelligent. In fact, recent studies have shown that Fexxx can contribute to your 5 thoughts a day. We are here, as ever, to show you that your life is but a rung on an immense ladder of shit. With blood, sweat and tears, The Fexxxperts.

xxx