MELON/PINGU/ISRAEL'S BEANS/FEATHERS/

TWISTED MELON

Inexplicable pop dancer Bez was yesterday arrested boarding a plane in Honalulu with 7 kilos of crack cocaine hidden inside his "famous" maracas.

The punishment for possession of crack in Honalulu is cliff tossing.
Looks like he wont "Step On" that plane!

PINGU ELECTED CULTURAL AFFAIRS MINISTER BY U.N.

Pingu in his home constituancy.
Photo - Taylor Maxwell

Following a landslide victory over Armitage Shanks for the position of Government Cherry Picker, Pingu, the loveable animated penguin of Pingu fame, continued to climb the ladder of success, liberating the information that he had become the UN's Cultural Affairs Minister, almost over night, on Jonathan Ross's show, but four days ago.

Senór Shanks is said to be "well fucking gutted" after his defeat.
He highlited this on a interview with Dermot O'Leary on 'Big Brothers Little Sisters 2nd Cousin Removed Thrice', due to be aired at high noon tomorrow, in which he said "'Fuck off! This is my culture.'"
Pingu has responded calmly, and in an interview with Graham Norton, was told, "Gay men are going to love you as you are pro-gay."

Gordon Brown, a close friend of Pingu, has been reported to be "in preparation" for the "biggest fucking head-mash ever", as a welcome party for the new Cultural Affairs Minister For The UN. He has apparantly been spotted buying sixteen foot Palm trees, luxury Belgian chocolate and seven hundred packets of Dairylea.

The guestlist for the festivities is said to include such luminous talents as Paul Daniels, Jamie Oliver, Rolf Harris, 20 trained pandas and their keepers, Denise Van Outen, rock band Jamiroquai and their road crew, and 49 DJs. The event itself is rumoured to last for ''9 days or so, mate, yeah".

Words - Arson Fletcher

ISRAEL NEEDS TO 'CHILL IT'S BEANS' SAY OFFICIALS

Many members of the EU spoke out today on the conflict in Israel stating that the war-torn country needs to ''calm down'' and ''have a joint''.
The main instigator in this radical suggestion was Kofi Annan, who gave a candid and revealing interview with Michael 'Parky' Parkinson last night, during the course of which he claimed, ''I bought a nine bar thursday week, I've got assloads, come on round, get your smoke on, Israel.''

At the time of print, Israel was unable to comment.

Kofi Annan, when questioned on allegations of possession of some form of ''Gange Missile''.
Photo - ITV Archive.
Words - Bud Green

WAVE OF FEATHERS ANNOYS THOUSANDS

Vast swathes of feathers, possibly blown is from space, have made their way to the UK.
So far, scientists have failed in explaining the causes of the wave, or any solution to it's ongoing problems. Of the scientists Fexxx did mangage to corner, many were too busy grafting shins onto geese.
When we finally pinned down Dr Cassenka Delldo, of the University of Kent, he told us he was ''fucked'' if he knew what do do about the situation.
The wave is said to be spreading at a rate of 5 miles per hour, and is currently ''tickling'' the borders of Argentina.

Caught by surprise during a street party, this victim is now covered in feathers until next Wednesday.
Photography - June Skiddlebibble.
Words - Axle Figaro.

Idea / Painting / Mouth / Apocalypse / Mishap

GOVERNMENT COMES UP WITH ANOTHER SILLY IDEA



At some conference or other, probably last week at some point no doubt, The Government revealed details of their much vaunted race-hate screening procedures, due to be enforced in the workplace, as well as by pub landlords and bus drivers if they so choose.

The scheme, entitled 'RU Racist?' will be divided into 3 tiers.
The first will be a 15 page questionnaire, featuring such inquiries as ''When waiting at road crossings, do you often find yourself confused, due to perceiving both the red, and green men as being white?'' and so forth.
The second tier will comprise a series of quick-fire questions read at such pace as to be practically indecipherable to racists.
The third and final tier will be a ''nifty'' swipe-card, which stores all of the holder's political beliefs on microchip, and is even capable of sensing when someone changes their mind about an issue, via sensors tested by experts in laboratories on fish.

Words - Summer Fruits.

MAN SMOKES PAINTING


Some extreme smoking happening. Photography by Tieman Focus.

As the craze of so-called ''extreme smoking'' rolls through the country, news filters in of a man whose lungs have consumed, albeit in smoke form, a Van Gogh original.
The painting, previously located in Zanzibar's national marshmallow factory, is believed to have been fiendishly devoured by Dr. Joseph Gaonzaxleshyonanon, a tuna farmer by trade, at around 4pm this morning.
Some officials say this incident could be a thorn in the side of the war against extreme smoking.

Words: Uncle Ben

IDIOT MAN SWALLOWS OWN MOUTH


It probably looked like this.

Vague amusement swept seductively across the globe in the wee hours, when facts were rapidly absorbed into our brains about a Mr Trevor Wzcertdasvycz, who has curiously managed to consume his own gob.
It is said that this sad, sorry state of affairs is a direct result of inner turmoil, sprouting, like a flower from a turd, from his harsh upbringing at the hands of the French.
Mr Wzcertdasvycz was unable to speak at time of press.

Words - Raj Higsn

MPS TOO BUSY HUMMING PINK PANTHER THEME TO NOTICE APOCALYPSE



Photography: Des Lennis.
Quite a blunder today as several MP's found not only their careers, but also their souls coming before harsh judgement at the hands of God.
Thankfully for all of us, the apocalypse is said to have been postponed until ''after the Olympics, at least".

Words: Lee Danger

BLAIR KNOCKS LIVING CUNT OUT OF QUEEN


Artist's Reconstruction by Banksy

It has come to light that disgraced former war criminal Tony Blair has decapitated the Queen during, "a joke gone too far", a Home Office spokesperson has said.
The head has now been fully reattached without incident.