At some conference or other, probably last week at some point no doubt, The Government revealed details of their much vaunted race-hate screening procedures, due to be enforced in the workplace, as well as by pub landlords and bus drivers if they so choose.
The scheme, entitled 'RU Racist?' will be divided into 3 tiers.
The first will be a 15 page questionnaire, featuring such inquiries as ''When waiting at road crossings, do you often find yourself confused, due to perceiving both the red, and green men as being white?'' and so forth.
The second tier will comprise a series of quick-fire questions read at such pace as to be practically indecipherable to racists.
The third and final tier will be a ''nifty'' swipe-card, which stores all of the holder's political beliefs on microchip, and is even capable of sensing when someone changes their mind about an issue, via sensors tested by experts in laboratories on fish.
Words - Summer Fruits.
MAN SMOKES PAINTING
Some extreme smoking happening. Photography by Tieman Focus.
As the craze of so-called ''extreme smoking'' rolls through the country, news filters in of a man whose lungs have consumed, albeit in smoke form, a Van Gogh original.
The painting, previously located in Zanzibar's national marshmallow factory, is believed to have been fiendishly devoured by Dr. Joseph Gaonzaxleshyonanon, a tuna farmer by trade, at around 4pm this morning.
Some officials say this incident could be a thorn in the side of the war against extreme smoking.
Words: Uncle Ben
IDIOT MAN SWALLOWS OWN MOUTH
It probably looked like this.
Vague amusement swept seductively across the globe in the wee hours, when facts were rapidly absorbed into our brains about a Mr Trevor Wzcertdasvycz, who has curiously managed to consume his own gob.
It is said that this sad, sorry state of affairs is a direct result of inner turmoil, sprouting, like a flower from a turd, from his harsh upbringing at the hands of the French.
Mr Wzcertdasvycz was unable to speak at time of press.
Words - Raj Higsn
MPS TOO BUSY HUMMING PINK PANTHER THEME TO NOTICE APOCALYPSE
Photography: Des Lennis.
Quite a blunder today as several MP's found not only their careers, but also their souls coming before harsh judgement at the hands of God.
Thankfully for all of us, the apocalypse is said to have been postponed until ''after the Olympics, at least".
Words: Lee Danger
BLAIR KNOCKS LIVING CUNT OUT OF QUEEN
Artist's Reconstruction by Banksy
It has come to light that disgraced former war criminal Tony Blair has decapitated the Queen during, "a joke gone too far", a Home Office spokesperson has said.
The head has now been fully reattached without incident.
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