The punishment for possession of crack in Honalulu is cliff tossing.
Looks like he wont "Step On" that plane!
PINGU ELECTED CULTURAL AFFAIRS MINISTER BY U.N.
Pingu in his home constituancy.
Photo - Taylor Maxwell
Following a landslide victory over Armitage Shanks for the position of Government Cherry Picker, Pingu, the loveable animated penguin of Pingu fame, continued to climb the ladder of success, liberating the information that he had become the UN's Cultural Affairs Minister, almost over night, on Jonathan Ross's show, but four days ago.
Senór Shanks is said to be "well fucking gutted" after his defeat.
He highlited this on a interview with Dermot O'Leary on 'Big Brothers Little Sisters 2nd Cousin Removed Thrice', due to be aired at high noon tomorrow, in which he said "'Fuck off! This is my culture.'"
Pingu has responded calmly, and in an interview with Graham Norton, was told, "Gay men are going to love you as you are pro-gay."
Gordon Brown, a close friend of Pingu, has been reported to be "in preparation" for the "biggest fucking head-mash ever", as a welcome party for the new Cultural Affairs Minister For The UN. He has apparantly been spotted buying sixteen foot Palm trees, luxury Belgian chocolate and seven hundred packets of Dairylea.
The guestlist for the festivities is said to include such luminous talents as Paul Daniels, Jamie Oliver, Rolf Harris, 20 trained pandas and their keepers, Denise Van Outen, rock band Jamiroquai and their road crew, and 49 DJs. The event itself is rumoured to last for ''9 days or so, mate, yeah".
Words - Arson Fletcher
ISRAEL NEEDS TO 'CHILL IT'S BEANS' SAY OFFICIALS
Many members of the EU spoke out today on the conflict in Israel stating that the war-torn country needs to ''calm down'' and ''have a joint''.
The main instigator in this radical suggestion was Kofi Annan, who gave a candid and revealing interview with Michael 'Parky' Parkinson last night, during the course of which he claimed, ''I bought a nine bar thursday week, I've got assloads, come on round, get your smoke on, Israel.''
At the time of print, Israel was unable to comment.
Kofi Annan, when questioned on allegations of possession of some form of ''Gange Missile''.
Photo - ITV Archive.
Words - Bud Green
WAVE OF FEATHERS ANNOYS THOUSANDS
Vast swathes of feathers, possibly blown is from space, have made their way to the UK.
So far, scientists have failed in explaining the causes of the wave, or any solution to it's ongoing problems. Of the scientists Fexxx did mangage to corner, many were too busy grafting shins onto geese.
When we finally pinned down Dr Cassenka Delldo, of the University of Kent, he told us he was ''fucked'' if he knew what do do about the situation.
The wave is said to be spreading at a rate of 5 miles per hour, and is currently ''tickling'' the borders of Argentina.
Caught by surprise during a street party, this victim is now covered in feathers until next Wednesday.
Photography - June Skiddlebibble.
Words - Axle Figaro.
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